The Search For Friends
I feel like finding good friends is quite possibly one of the hardest things to do at this stage in my life. It seems people have already acquired a ton of them or hardly have any at all. It’s almost as if there was a cutoff time, say college, for making friends easily. After that, life changes, moving or major job adjustments have made it more difficult to connect and stay connected. Recently the subject of friends came up in the Chic office and it got so quiet you could hear the ice in our glasses as we nervously swirled our straws around looking at each other. Could it be? Are we all looking for friends? Do we all desire closer relationships with the ones we have? What does that even look like in our stage of life?
Theories started flying and story after story was shared. I couldn’t help but wonder…Why Can’t Women Find Friends?
While chatting with my Forever Friend (more on that later) about the subject, she told me a story about her four year old. On the way to church in their new hometown, she exclaimed excitedly, “I’m gonna meet some new friends today!” My friend and I laughed because she had the exact opposite feeling that day and I could relate. She laughed, “I don’t want to have to make new friends, I want my old friends!” We are far from each other (across the country in fact) but are in the same life phase. In a new state, a new home, and still depending on a GPS to take us to the grocery store, finding friends feels like a big chore to us, and one that would take a long time. And that’s just it. Making good friends takes a long time. It’s not as easy as it used to be. In college, I lived, studied and played side by side with my friends, making memories fast and sharing tons of experiences in a short amount of time. Over a decade later, I meet new people, hang out once a month at a dinner party and expect the same deep connections to form. It just isn’t going to happen. It takes time. In general, I think it is easy to make a Lunch Friend at work. You may meet regularly to chat about office happenings, project challenges and maybe throw in a few details of your personal lives. Maybe you have a Yoga Buddy you chat with before and after class. They might know you have a family to go home to or that you are desperately trying to master the crow pose. Others may have Mama Friends that can connect over the latest adventures with their children, swapping stories and then waving goodbye until the next chance meeting at the playground. These types of friends are wonderful, but I think we want more. We need more.
Good Friends
C. S. Lewis put it well when he said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
Don’t you love when that happens? It’s a little magic grown up moment when we stop being so fancy and relax a little. But C.S. Lewis’s quote got me thinking. Are there things I am doing that are preventing me from connecting deeply with others? Small habits I’ve developed? So I thought about it, and here’s my confession. Can you relate?
Sometimes I hide behind pretty and polished. Sometimes it’s in between “fine” and “ok”. I work hard, run the show, cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s. I don’t even realize I am doing this until someone comments that I have it all together. Me? Little do they know I don’t, but little do I know that’s not what I’m showing people. Do you do the same? In order to connect more deeply, it is necessary to show your messy parts. Let your hair down, literally. Share more about yourself, what you think and what you are experiencing. Don’t worry if it comes our wobbly at first, transparency is the foundation for connecting more deeply with friends.
I have come to the conclusion that I am a seeker when it comes to friendships. It has happened all of my life. For the most part, when I reach out to someone to ask them to do something, they jump at the opportunity. But rarely, do I get the invite. This has perplexed me for years and has often times hurt my feelings. I imagine they think I am too busy for friends, have plenty of friends or work too much. Whatever the case, I’ve noticed this pattern all of my life. If I know this, it is up to me actively pursue new friendships and stop whining. It’s also up to me to be vulnerable and share that I am available.
Friendships don’t happen overnight. It takes a beautiful combination of similar personalities or humor, similar backgrounds, shared life experiences, moments of openness and honestly and well, just living life near one another. It’s hard anywhere, but in a big city, where people are generally over booked and busy and live an hour away in traffic, it’s going to take a lot of effort on my part and some time. I need to readjust my expectations and realize that it will look differently than it did a decade ago. If I stop looking for it to be so easy, I release myself to enjoy the process!
Is there such a thing? When it comes to friendships, I say yes. Somewhere in between working long hours, weekends, and holidays I stopped noticing my need for community. I could run into a service on Sundays, check in and check out, without so much as head nod, not to mention a meaningful conversation. I would always drive separate to events and not pile in the car of ladies driving to the restaurant together. I didn’t need to be so connected all of the time. I did everything for myself and never asked for help. I took pride in handling things that some women would depend on friends for. Recognizing the value of community and the importance of not trying to do everything on your own is a significant step towards connecting more deeply with new friends.
Chic Tip: I want to encourage you reach out to one of your friends today and tell them you appreciate them. Share with them the reasons why they are such an encouragement to your life and why you are thankful. Then tell me below, who did you call and why? I’m curious! I’m dialing my little sis now…
Photo Credit: Pilar Reflections, Samantha Hutchinson, Jacey Duprie
