For years, Mayra and her mother found themselves at odds with one another. Little disagreements would often blow up into bigger fights. They fought over what Mayra wore. They fought over what her mother said. They fought over Mayra’s choice in career, her belief system, her choice in men.
Until one day, Mayra decided she had had enough.
She stopped speaking to her mother.
It’s now been ten years since they’ve spoken.
Maybe this is you. Maybe you’re longing for a relationship with your mother. Maybe you’re a mom who wants to be close with her daughter again.
Let’s go back to the beginning. Psychologist Dr. Terri Apter, Ph.D. says being estranged from your mom isn’t commonplace. It’s downright extreme, and quite painful, driven by a daughter’s decision that associating with her mother is too upsetting to tolerate, or a mother’s decision to reject her own daughter. Obviously, we all seek to have a good relationship with our moms, but sometimes, it’s just not possible.
Like the case of Mayra and her mom, estrangement doesn’t happen overnight. If a woman decides she can’t tolerate contact with her mom, then estrangement is often the last resort, usually after multiple unsuccessful attempts to improve the relationship. A daughter might try everything…developing skills to tolerate her mother’s intrusiveness or anger or abuse. When this fails, that’s it. Barriers come up.
In less common situations, estrangement can come about suddenly as well, in the heat of the moment. Pride is the downfall here. Either mom or daughter is ashamed to admit that her decision was no more than an impulsive outburst, and each retreat to their own respective corners, both too proud to say they’re sorry.
So how do you find a way to heal?
For Moms
As hard as it may be, stay in contact with your daughter. Send her information, update her on your news, send her cards, asking her about her well-being. You need to show her you’re willing to play the waiting game…that you’re willing to be there. If she does indeed come back to you, it’s important to be honest. Tell her how bereft you felt without her, and explore options together so you can maintain your relationship. It’s important to hear her out, to put your defensiveness on hold, and avoid argument at all costs.
For Daughters
Self-reflection is key. If you were the one to initiate the estrangement, there are some issues you need to work out before attempting to mend the relationship. Since a daughter’s decision to cut contact with mom stems from the inner turmoil that results from contact with her, it’s important for you to identify trigger points so that every little comment doesn’t erupt into an argument. You need to learn how to identify ways to protect yourself and manage exchanges that are so deeply disturbing to you.
For both
Swallow your pride. Remember it isn’t always about you. Your mom may be feeling hurt that you don’t seem to value her opinion. Likewise, your daughter might feel like you’re being too critical. Think of the other’s point of view, and before responding, take a 5 second time out to evaluate the intention of your comment before you speak, and before it’s too late.
All the tips in the world won’t reconcile your relationship if you’re not ready. Take time to truly evaluate your feelings, motives, and desires before going down that road again.
After that, it’s up to the both of you to manage getting along without constantly being at each other’s throats. No relationship is perfect. You have to work for anything worth keeping. If you can turn the negatives into something positive and productive, you’re on your way.
Above all, practice grace, practice humility, and most importantly, practice patience. It will go a long ways toward keeping you both on the road to reconciliation.
It’s been said that apathy can be worse than hatred. Is your relationship one of apathy? We’ll delve into that in part 3 of our mother-daughter relationship series!
A huge thank you to Dr. Terri Apter for her help with this article. Dr. Apter’s most recent book is Difficult Mothers: understanding and overcoming their power. You can find more information about her here.
Photography: Jacqueline Pilar Photography
Photo Source: Could I Have That?
