I have three little boys which means I have about seven years of practice giving them marginally acceptable haircuts. Now that they’re a bit older we take them to a real barber shop where my husband knows to tell stylist which clipper length and where to “fade it in” at. I’m still relatively clueless about all that but I do have a ton of knowledge when it comes to how to cut your toddlers hair. So I thought I’d share this well-spring of information for those of you setting out to attempt this particularly herculean task.
1. Find scissors. All good and perfect parents will have a special reserve pair of “hair cutting” scissors for just this purpose. The rest of us will use the kitchen scissors, craft scissors or those tiny ones daddy usually reserves for trimming his mustache.
2. Find toddler. Is he in the playroom? No? How about the kitchen watching Girl Meets World with his brothers? No. This show is obviously too old for all three of your children but you need them occupied while you play barber, so you ignore it and keep searching. Check out his usual haunts… in the closet trying on your heels? No. Eating a cold dinosaur nugget from his four hour old lunch plate you haven’t had time to clear yet? No. Oh wait, there he is in the bathroom “washing his hands” in the toilet!
3. Strip him down to just a diaper–or if you’re mom of the year, his chonies because he’s already potty trained– Hair is going to get everywhere regardless of what you do, but at least this eliminates messing up his new Lego Movie PJ’s. Yes he’s still wearing PJ’s even though it’s the afternoon, unlike Lego Batman, you’re not a superhero!
4. Put him on the bathroom counter, put his feet in the sink, turn on the water. Sounds weird, but letting him splash in the faucet and turn it on and off will occupy him for exactly 13 minutes. That’s long enough to get some kind of a haircut in. Yes this is wasting water. Yes we’re in the middle of a drought. Desperate times people, desperate times.
5. Wet Hair or Dry Hair. The age old question, am I right? Dry hair is going to get everywhere when you cut it, seriously, you’ll still be finding some tiny golden pieces when you move out of this house. But wet hair means that you actually have some clue what you’re doing. You don’t. Go with dry.
6. Take a small piece of the shaggiest section (I like to test-cut in the back so when I mess it up, and I will, I won’t damage baby’s precious self esteem were he to gaze in a mirror) and twist the piece slightly. My hairstylist bestie taught me this trick. If you cut a piece of hair while it’s twisted it will cut each piece at slightly varying lengths rather than bluntly. Move in slowly to cut. When baby jerks his head out of the way at the last minute try not to accidentally cut your finger instead.
7. You Cut Your Finger Instead? Shove under the already running water (see how well that worked out?). Assure toddler you’re not going to die. It’s totally normal for your fingers to spit out “red rain” that runs down the sink… remember last week when you were cutting his grapes in half? It’s just like that.
8. Position him again. Twist hair, cut an inch above the end. Release twist. Feel surprisingly powerful and competent by how good it looks. Repeat eight more times.
9. You got overeager. You cut off too much on one side. Go back to the other side and try and trim up.
10. Realize you’ve cut off a sideburn. Take out the other one too. Reassure yourself: Toddler’s don’t need sideburns, what is this, the Antebellum south?
11. He’s tired of the water and you haven’t even started on his duck tail? Hand him your oldest makeup. You’ve had that Dusty Rose lipstick since your wedding day, it’s probably not even sanitary at this point.
12. Wait. Shoot. If it’s not sanitary for you should the baby have it? Actually, he’s only using it draw hieroglyphs on his belly so it’s totally fine.
13. Don’t forget to leave little length up top, that’s what daddy means when he says to “fade it in”.
14. What’s that? You’ve already cut the top off completely? No worries. Just remind baby how many people have rocked that look successfully over the years. Remember Britney attacking the Paparazzi with an umbrella baby? No? Well believe me, she looked fierce with this haircut and so do you!
15. Continue cutting to even out.
16. Realize that you’ve essentially cut him bald.
17. Cry silently behind him with a fist of baby curls clutched in your bloody hand.
18. Decide that hair does grow back eventually and in the meantime, you’ve been looking for a reason to post a picture of him on Instagram in that hand-knit beanie from grandma. #MemaMadeThis #Adorable
19. Turn on the shower and place him inside. Allow all excess hair to run down the drain along with your good intentions.
20. Doctor your thumb. Dry off your baby. Pour some wine while doing a quick Etsy search of “hipster hats for toddlers”. Tell your friends at Gymboree that baby is starting a new trend.
