Ok readers, we’re going there… we’re talking about sex.

I know it’s a bit of a taboo subject, but really, it shouldn’t be! I’m a happily married woman (for nearly 10 years now) and I think a good sex-life is an EXTREMELY important part of what makes our marriage so happy in the first place. To that end, we reached out to marriage and family therapist, Moushumi Gouse and asked her to tell us the ways we women could improve on our time in bed. Moushumi’s notes were really helpful and I even added my own two cents (whether you want it or not!) ~Rachel

For more info on Moushumi Gouse, MFT

  • Expectations. Women often live according to rules they get from magazines or media. For example, if I don’t have kids by the age of 30, there MUST be something wrong with me. Goals are great to have, but having too many expectations won’t work, and worse, it will alienate your partner.
  • Not Living In The Moment. Planning and reminiscing can be a good thing… in moderation. If you’re living strictly for the future, or living in the past, it can make your partner feel neglected. Make yourself focus on the moment you’re in.

Rachel’s thoughts… Accomplish this through communication with your partner! At the end of the day, sex is a conversation between two bodies and if you’re talking to each other you’ll have no choice but to stay in the moment.

  • Having Low Self-Esteem. If you don’t find yourself attractive, how do you expect your partner to? This is a dangerous one, because it can also perpetuate jealousy, which leads to insecurity, which leads to negative thinking…which could lead to fights…you get the idea.
  •  Having Poor Body Image. This is related to having low self-esteem, but it goes further. Not being comfortable in your own skin, or with nudity and sex, can lead to being unable to enjoy sex. Not being ready to commit to the journey of self discovery can be a big turn off.

Rachel’s thoughts… This goes for both self-esteem and body image. I used to worry about whether or not I was good in bed or if my tummy was tight or if my butt looked ok in these panties. You know what Dave was thinking when I took off my clothes?? BOOBIES!!! Your partner is just excited you decided to show up, and all they see are your best parts because you turn them on… and if they don’t, why are you having sex with them?! Go into your sex-life thinking you are Venus herself and you will be!

  • Expecting The Man To Take Control. Some women think they should never initiate sex. That can get awfully tiring for a man.

Rachel’s thoughts… Don’t be afraid to ask for anything that turns you on. If you want the biblical back up, there’s a verse in Hebrews that says “The marriage bed is undefiled” so ask away, chances are your man will be thrilled with the request. 

  • Being Too Pushy About Sex. Then again, if you’re *always* initiating, that could be emasculating. Men are still men, and some like the masculine aspect of leading, so while he may be happy you want sex, if you’re TOO pushy, this can be a turn off too.
  • Being Too Focused On Him. Trying to please him and only him, can mean you’re not 100% in the moment. If you aren’t enjoying sex, that can get boring for him.

Rachel’s thoughts… For what it’s worth, NOTHING makes a man feel more manly then pleasing you, so go ahead and focus on yourself for a while. 😉

  • Being Too Critical Of Each Other. Nothing feels worse than being nitpicked or nagged. Focus on the good instead.

Rachel’s thoughts… If there’s something you’d like to try or maybe do differently, I suggest talking about it outside of the bedroom. That way your partner doesn’t feel like they’re doing something wrong during sex.

  •  Not Taking Care Of Yourself. What is it that makes you feel great? A workout? A walk in the park? A pedicure? Making sure you’re in great shape physically, emotionally, and mentally should help get you in the mood.
  • “Not Tonight Honey… Again.” Blowing it off because you’re too tired, too busy, etc isn’t an excuse. Sex is a huge part of a healthy marriage. Make it a priority. A simple shift in your mindset can work wonders.

Rachel’s thoughts… He’ll probably kill me for admitting this but years ago Dave and I initiated something we called Sexy September. We vowed to have sex every day during the month of September NO EXCUSES. The end result was fantastic. Having more sex made us want to… have more sex. I highly encourage you to pick your own sexy month and go for it! 

Jacqueline Pilar Photography