Every couple has their own “hot issues”. Some couples argue about spending habits; while others have a hard time seeing eye to eye on politics. For my hub and I, it’s merging our completely opposite design styles. At least that’s the one I’m comfortable talking about on the internet. 😉
He loves modern 60’s inspired design, and I tend to be a traditionalist but with a slightly more casual vibe. Things like shopping for a new sofa have left us both beyond frustrated. I realize for many women in relationships with partners who could literally care less about what color is on the walls let alone the fabric used for curtain panels, this seems like an odd thing to argue about. But for those of us who are married to men who don’t just have an opinion but have a style all their own, well, it can create a difficult to navigate relationship situation.
After almost 14 years of marriage, 5 homes and countless conversations, here’s how we’ve learned to not only merge our styles but to to happily co-exist under one mutually designed roof.
1. We found our “couple style”.
Instead of constantly pointing out what makes our styles different, we started talking about shared loves. We made a mental list of what we both liked and loved, and we came to find out that we actually had some stuff in common! We both like dark colors. We both like plaid, mixed metals and rooms that don’t have too many “little things” in them. We both don’t really love pastels in decor and we both don’t really dig anything too formal. Forgetting for a moment about our differences helped us to see and appreciate our similarities. And it’s those similarities that made for a great place to start when decorating our current home.
2. We set up some ground rules.
We have a couple of ground rules that seem to keep design arguments at bay. One is you can’t spend more than $100 on something for the house without the other’s approval. This really helps in the big ticket item department, and it also helps to keep purchase mistakes from happening. There’s nothing worse than coming home with an item from an antique store only to find out your spouse hates it, but you can’t return it. That item will then become a point of contention, and is a chair really worth creating a problem in your relationship? So, instead we text pics to each other of items to see how the other feels about it before we buy them. For the most part those items under $100 that don’t need pre-approval are typically smaller and could be returned or stashed somewhere the other person doesn’t have to see every day. We also have a rule that you can’t get mad if the other person doesn’t like something you love. You can’t force yourself to love things that just aren’t your style and vice versa, so no need to get mad or get your feelings hurt when what you love isn’t exactly your spouses’s cup of tea.
3. We gave each other our own spaces.
We’ve done this in the past couple houses that we’ve lived in and it’s worked out really well. We basically each get one room (that we both agree on) where our own personal style can take the lead.
In our current home, we converted what was a formal living room into an office for my hub who works from home. His more modern 60’s inspired style really takes the lead in this space.
While our kitchen, with it’s traditional combination of distressed white cabinets, black granite countertops and marble subway tile backsplash, is definitely more my speed.
4. We found a better way to communicate.
We learned for ourselves that we communicate best regarding design with pictures. For example, when I’m thinking about painting the coffee table instead of just saying, “Hey babe I’m thinking the coffee table would look great with a fresh coat of white paint” I would also show him some before and after pictures to give him an idea of what’s really going on in my head. Similarly I’ve learned that he might say “I don’t like floral patterns”, but what he really means is “I don’t like romantic pastel-ish 80’s style florals” and again having him show me with pictures makes a lot more sense than just having him tell me.
Honestly, I think anytime you’re passionate about something it’s easy to get upset when what you want or like isn’t accepted or met with the same enthusiasm, so allowing room in your brain and in the conversation for a different view point really helps you to keep a cool head and to better understand each other. At least, that’s what we’ve learned over the years……not just in merging our design styles but in other hot issue areas as well.
5. Over time, we’ve started liking each other’s style more and more.
The crazy thing is after all these years of trying to fight for our individual styles we’ve ended up liking our merged style even more than what our home would look like without the other’s influence. My hub’s home office is one of the first rooms you see when you come into our home, and it’s one of my most favorite spaces in our whole house.
And the same goes for my hub. Would you believe he picked out the chair in my reading nook, a.k.a my mom cave?! Ummmm…….I wouldn’t call that a modern chair, would you? 😉
Learning to appreciate and respect the differences in our design preferences has caused us to not only tolerate but also to like and love each other’s design styles. So weird…..but so true!
Does your partner have strong design opinions? How do handle merging your styles?
