When philosophy reached out about working together on a project to celebrate seventeen years of being on QVC and the big event they’re having, I jumped at the chance. After all, I’ve been a fan of the brand for years and I use it every single day in the shower so it seemed like the perfect collaboration. Then they asked if I could specifically talk about their Hope & Grace initiative and it was just meant to be.
Meant to be, because anything that supports community based mental health efforts is close to my heart because of my brother. But also, because Hope and Grace are two things that I need most in my life right now. If you’ve been following our adoption journey then you may know that our foster girls recently transitioned out of our home. The entire process was brutal, and I’m honestly still not in a place where I can talk about it without crying. There just isn’t a scenario where it feels natural to say goodbye to children you’ve loved and cared for. But I kept telling myself, we always knew this would happen as if the knowledge that I’d signed up for this pain would somehow lessen it.
It didn’t.
I was so, so sad and I coped with it by trying to get right back to daily life. I threw myself into work and my boys’ summer activities and tried not to think about how upset I was. I went on TV a couple of days later and talked about summer salads, and I was all set to leave for New York on a series of meetings the following week. Then the day before I was supposed to leave for New York I couldn’t stop crying. I had a severe anxiety attack about the thought of leaving my kids and I finally realized that I was not OK.
So I did something I have never done in the history of my career… I canceled my meetings. I took a couple of days off to just sit in the sadness. Now dwell in it. Not stay there forever, but I gave myself the grace to process what I was feeling instead of trying to cover it up with a to-do list. I’ve also given myself permission to be honest about not being OK right now. I’m still sad. It’s still hard to think about. I still haven’t walked into the girls’ room since they left because I don’t want to see it empty. But, even in the midst of that, every day gets a little easier and as some of the sadness starts to lift I find moments to be hopeful again.
Yesterday I got to hold my dear friend’s newborn baby and I thought, I’m going to hold my daughter soon. Part of going through the foster to adopt journey means that once you finish your foster care work (which we have) you’re officially in the adoption program. So after waiting for almost four and a half years we are a phone call away from meeting our little girl. Right now hope is still tempered by the sadness of losing the girls and the fear that my heart might not be ready yet to open up again… but hope is positive and inspiring, the first little ray of sunshine in this sadness.
So when philosophy asked me if I had some thoughts on Hope & Grace, I know they were talking about their incredible philanthropic efforts but it turns out I did have something to say about the power of those two words. If you find yourself in the midst of something tough I hope you’ll cling to them too. Give yourself some grace to feel whatever you need to feel and cling to hope that it will get better soon.
